MY
FIRST LOVE.
I listened in horror as the charges against me were read out
before all who knew me and strangers alike. These were the very people whose
admiration I had won over the years. Now they sat in the courtroom as the
prosecutor audaciously articulated my weaknesses, call them ‘wickednesses’ if
you wish. I was not being charged with crimes against humanity. No! These were
crimes mostly committed at the audience of one. The very thoughts that had ever
crossed my mind were being laid bare before the world. All the atrocities I had
committed in the cover of darkness were being brought to light. Every malicious
thought, every murderous intent, thoughts of jealousy, lust, infidelity, hate,
anger, bitterness. This was my dirty linen that the prosecutor was hanging at the
town park. I was being charged for every careless word I have ever uttered;
words that had inflicted cancerous wounds in the souls of people around me.
My very soul cried for him to stop reading the charges sheet
but my mind wanted to know how much of the dirt under my carpet this guy had
knowledge of. So I let him continue. Needless to say, if I shouted at any time,
“Enough of this!” to make him stop, it would be rightly argued that I was
pleading guilty to the charges already made against me. He was well acquainted
with my past. It would appear that he was always there whenever I dropped a
candy wrapper in the streets, eased out the excess water from my system on the
neighbour’s fence, browsed a porn site, glanced at an X-rated magazine, scanned
through a sensual movie. This guy was good at what he did; give the devil his
due.
Then the events of my life started trickling into my mind in
very vivid details. Why had I lived so carelessly? I remembered every road sign
I had ever ignored and every wrong turn I had ever taken convincing myself that
I would turn back in time. As far back
as I could recollect my life had been a mess and there were numerous people who
had tried to warn me but I was young and I felt I needed to enjoy life. Now as
I stood in the dock with a charge sheet the size of the constitution being read
out against me, I saw my life for what it really was. I wasn’t enjoying life;
life was enjoying me. I was too egoistic to see this. Mercy is for the weak, I
had often convinced myself. I was macho by all definitions of the word. I was
unstoppable. Even now as I listened to the charges, which seemed suitable only
for the devil’s mother-in-law, I did not feel any remorse. All that came to my
mind was, “how could I have been so careless?”
See, the best thing about being charged in a court that has
no jurisdiction to make arrests or sentence those it finds guilty is that you
can laugh at the judge and walk away saying, “You are no better than me you
hypocrite! I know you also have your own flaws over the law.” That is how I had
always seen the church: a court without jurisdiction to arrest or sentence. The
Sunday minister was no flawless to me. He was the constant nag in my life that
reminded me of my shortcomings in what was no different from the pot calling
the kettle black.
However, on this day I stood before an actual court with
real jurisdiction to arrest and sentence. I had also been legally advised
regarding the sentence if I was found guilty of ANY of the charges against me. The sentence would be death for any
of the charges I was convicted for. I was in deep trouble. With a charge sheet
that enormous there was no escaping justice. To make it worse, the prosecutor
had done such an impeccable investigation into my life that I had no place to
hide a dirty sock. I had already been remanded in Conscience Remand Prison for
such a long time, I lost track of days.
“How do you plead?” It was the question that stopped the
trail of thoughts on my mind and brought me back to the courtroom. I wasn’t
listening to the charges but it didn’t matter anyway. I had been through that
charge sheet long enough to recite the contents blindfolded. I wished then that
I could have matched the recitation skills in Sunday school. My answer to this
question would determine everything about my eternity. If I pleaded not guilty
I would be sent back to remand. The thought of howling demons in the remand
facility and the foul smell of demonic filth sent shivers down my spine. Who
was I kidding anyway? I had a date with the gallows for all my ‘carelessness’.
If I pleaded guilty they would go ahead and prosecute me. No amount of pleading
was going to lessen my sentence. The only thing that was certain, though, is
that I could only postpone the sentence but not do away with it. Then one last
thought came to my mind. I remembered something the state lawyer had mentioned
during my legal consultation. “They will sentence you to death for eternity.”
Then he went on to explain. “That is to say that you will die but every second
of eternity. They will execute you in the goriest of executions and then after
you die you will wake up again to be executed the same way for eternity.”
“How do you plead?” The same thunderous voice boomed over my
thought. Time was in a mad rash against me. “Guilty!” I responded.
What followed is something I will never forget all my days.
All my friends started walking out of the courtroom one by one. The
confirmation had been given to their worst of fears. I had just confessed that
I was all those things that the prosecutor was saying about me. I still
remember the look in my wife’s eyes as she shouted, “How could you?” With that
she also, of all people, stormed out of the courtroom. Everybody had deserted
me at my hour of need with one question on their lips. “How could you?” This
brought me to the gravity of the life I had lived. I knew I was no saint but in
that particular moment it hit me like lightning what a terrible person I had
been.
In a moment I was all alone facing the judge. Even the
prosecutor had left! For the first time since my arrest I gathered the courage
to look the judge in the face. It was then that I realized I couldn’t. The
glory on His face was like that of the sun.
Glory radiated all around his seat and chamber. There was no way I could
have looked at him and lived. I was horrified. This is the person to whom my
eternity had been entrusted, not that it was worth much. A person whose face I
couldn’t even gaze upon. I was doomed to destruction. As these thoughts flooded
my mind he was reading out the sentence against me. The only word I grasped out
of the entire sentence was “…Death!”
Then the doors of the courtroom swung open. Whoever had
entered seemed to be surrounded by a divine sense of peace. He came and stood
right before me facing the judge. He spoke with so much authority yet in such
gentleness as no man had ever before. What he said mesmerized me, “I will take
his place.” I couldn’t believe it. He was a total stranger to me yet something
about him made me feel like I knew him. Then he turned to face me. His face was
radiant with glory but I could make out certain features from it. His eyes
blazed like fire yet they didn’t seem to burn me. They were on the flames of
love. I had never seen so much love… It had never even crossed my mind that
love could be seen. I had always thought it could only be felt. Now I could see
it and I could feel it. He was the most loving person I had ever met yet he had
only stood before me for less than a minute. Then I felt what seemed like arms
around me. It was the warmest and most tender embrace I had ever felt in my
life. It covered for all the love my father never gave me growing up. It made
up for all the rejection the world had shown me. It was the love of a father, a
brother, a friend, a spouse and God: all in one embrace. Then he addressed me, “You are free!” It was a moment of real dilemma for me. Here
was someone telling me I was free to go yet all my instincts told me was to
stay.
The move I made next was one that I have long lived to be
ashamed of. I left the man who had bailed me out from eternal death and
condemnation and ran after those who had left me. I walked away from the only
man who had walked in when everyone else was walking out. I left the only man
who never asked me, “How could you?” I walked away from the only man who had
given me a look that says, “There is no crime you have committed that my love
for you cannot pay for.” He was the only one who had cared enough to embrace me
when the world was pissed off by my very existence. He is the only man who
didn’t mind my stench and my filth but embraced me as I was. He was the true
love of my life. He is the Prince of Peace. He is Jesus.
These are the events that took place in my mind the day the
love of Jesus was preached to me. I pray that they will inspire you to make the
right choice in your own life. Happy Easter.
MINISTER FELIX JOE.
Prayer that yields negative results
Am I robbing God or is the Church robbing me?
I will never get married!
Maasai greetings
The missing link
Build the weight of your faith
Your future is bright
Make your past disappear
Why you should not look back
The stir
